When Milk Isn't Enough: A Guide to Overcoming Newborn Feeding Anxiety

Why does feeding your baby feel less like a serene bonding experience and more like navigating a minefield for many new mothers? Why does the simple act of nourishing your newborn trigger a tidal wave of anxiety and feelings of inadequacy?

Let's be honest: the myth of the effortlessly feeding baby is just that – a myth. You're told it's "natural," yet 92% of new mothers encounter breastfeeding challenges in the first days postpartum. Formula feeding, while a valid option, comes with its own set of worries. This is amplified by recent shortages, recalls, and allergic reactions. So many mothers feel like they are failures when they struggle with breastfeeding, but what is happening is a lack of realistic expectations, support, and professional guidance around feeding newborns. This leads to increased postpartum depression and anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, and feeling overwhelmed, preventing many parents from being able to be able to engage in bonding and healing.

This blog post aims to help address feeding anxiety, how to manage it, and how you can get help around addressing your feeding concerns, including letting go of expectations and finding a sustainable feeding routine that works for you, your baby, and your mental health.

What Fuels This Anxiety?

Anxiety is fueled by multiple sources, particularly in the postpartum period. The post-birth hormonal drop can leave you feeling like your body isn’t your own. Sleep deprivation blurs the line between reality and nightmare. Add to all this the relentless influx of often contradictory advice, and you've got a recipe for anxiety and overwhelm. Finally, mix in additional sources of anxiety with struggles with feeding, perhaps your baby is fussy, has reflux, slow gainer, or you have a low supply, struggles with latching, or pain when breastfeeding – each scenario is a fresh trigger for worry. In addition, if you started your postpartum period with a fragile baby due to pre-term birth or other complications, then this can intensify your worry and anxiety. And then there's D-MER, Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex, the sudden waves of sadness or rage that can occur during let-down when breastfeeding or pumping. If you have a history of anxiety or depression, these challenges can feel even more monumental.

When breastfeeding starts as a struggle, your anxiety can compound and intensify with all the other anxieties you are navigating in postpartum. All you want to do as a parent is to feed your baby, but breastfeeding isn’t going as you imagined, and you feel pressure from friends and family, or social media, that breastfeeding is the best way to feed your baby. This can cause mothers to feel inadequate, like they are failures, and wonder why they can’t breastfeed like other mothers. Whatever is getting in the way, breastfeeding is a learned skill, and it can take time for both you and your baby to get into the right rhythm.

Sometimes, exclusively breastfeeding may not be feasible for every family. Many parents have to decide whether to combo feed, bottle feed, or switch to formula. However, even making that decision doesn’t necessarily relieve the anxiety. Based on personal situation and background, your anxiety can still show up as becoming obsessed with ounces, nervous about keeping up supply, overwhelmed by a pumping routine, scared about recalls, or struggling to get access to the formula you need.

At this vulnerable time, the last thing any parent wants to struggle with is being able to feed their baby. On top of that, adding shame, guilt, or judgment on how they are feeding only continues to fuel that anxiety and doubt about the choices they are making. To reduce these struggles and anxiety, providers and parents need to work together to help parents feel successful, supported, and informed about their feeding decisions.

Beyond the Scale: Reframing Your Focus from Numbers to Nourishment

This is easier said than done, but one important step to addressing your feeding anxiety is to focus on nourishment rather than numbers. Observing your baby with discerning eyes and trusting that information rather than second-guessing. This can start with learning to read your baby's cues. During a feed, look for those long, slow, rhythmic sucks and swallows, a calm and relaxed face. After the feed, does your baby naturally unlatch, push the bottle away, or try to turn away? Is their body relaxed, fists unclenched, drifting into a drowsy contentment that lasts for a few hours? Remember that crying is a late hunger cue. Look for earlier signs like hands moving towards the mouth or lip-smacking.

After we have focused on our baby’s cues, we can incorporate specific data points to get an overall picture of the baby’s health. It starts with tracking those wet and dirty diapers. Are there the expected number of wet diapers, progressing to clear/pale yellow? Are the stools transitioning from tarry meconium to greenish and then to yellow and seedy (if breastfeeding) or yellow-brown/brown/green (if formula feeding)? Weight gain is important, but remember that initial weight loss is normal, with a regain expected by 2-3 weeks. Steady gain thereafter is reassuring, but don't let the scale become your sole source of truth. Look at your baby as a whole, including developmental progress, contentment, and engagement.

This may take time and practice to get good at understanding and reading these cues. Remember, all of this is a learned skill, for you and for your baby. You aren’t just learning to read your baby’s cues; your baby is also learning how to give cues and how to feed as well.

The Unsung Battle: How Feeding Anxiety Undermines Your Mental Health

What is not being addressed when it comes to feeding anxiety is your mental health. We live in a society that often prioritizes breastfeeding above all else, creating a climate of shame and judgement if you decide not to or struggle with breastfeeding leading you to switch to alternative feeding methods. At the same time, mothers who do breastfeed are shamed for breastfeeding in a public setting and being told to cover up or leave the public area to feed, even if that means feeding in small, uncomfortable, or unsanitary locations.

It ends up being a damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenario. Mothers can’t win no matter what method they choose to feed their babies. The messaging ends up being, you are not enough, you are not doing enough, you are a bad mother for the choice you are making, etc. While some movements have tried to promote the "fed is best" movement emerged as a vital counterpoint, emphasizing that a healthy, fed baby is the best for baby, regardless of the method.

While the benefits of breastmilk are undeniable, science increasingly shows that maternal mental health is the major factor influencing a child's development. Untreated maternal mental illness, affecting a staggering 1 in 5 mothers, can profoundly impact a child's physical, cognitive, social, and emotional well-being, potentially leading to mental health issues later in life. Sometimes, its even advised to go against breastfeeding to protect a mother's mental health. It's okay to pivot to pumping and bottle feeding, to choose formula, to prioritize your well-being. It's a valid, loving choice that benefits everyone.

You Got This, Mama.

Managing newborn feeding anxiety isn't about achieving perfection; it's about arming yourself with information, practicing self-compassion, and knowing when to ask for help. Trust your baby's cues, prioritize your mental health, and remember that a calm, happy, and well-supported mother is the best foundation for a thriving child. Don't suffer in silence. Reach out to your pediatrician, a lactation consultant, or a mental health professional. You deserve support, and it's available. Find out more about how my services can address your feeding anxiety and any other issues you are struggling with in your postpartum journey.